Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
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*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Growing up was a huge mistake
rise and shine we got egg
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.