if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
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You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.