“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
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There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
opening a flower shop called women in stem
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.