Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
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2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Ummm
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.