Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
🍛
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Good dog. ❤️
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
liiiiiiiiike
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him