– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
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I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”