Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
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My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
me hitting on a model
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love