Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
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this FaceApp is creepy af
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
i smell a pulitzer
that wasn’t the question
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride