My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.