I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
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Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
back to work
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
this post was so formative to me
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in