Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super