I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Mornin
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.