Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
You Might Also Like
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.