Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
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Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.