The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The A string on my guit_r is flat
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?