If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
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Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
good morning
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.