Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Tell the colonel to bring it
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!