DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.