Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
back to work
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
my friends when i can’t do basic math
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them