realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
You Might Also Like
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
hi why am I like this
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD