If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
birds and squirrels envy us
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!