Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous