If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
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“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.