Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
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Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I don’t hate children, just yours.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption