Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Oh thanks BBC.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.