Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
You Might Also Like
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
This is a whole mood;
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
inside you are two wolves
A small tragedy.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!