I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
A French press is when you hug naked
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
liiiiiiiiike
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Tough love is true love
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”