I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
You Might Also Like
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog鈥檚 psychic abilities to better use.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Everyone knows you don鈥檛 need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 馃
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I鈥檓 ready for my comeback