Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
#SaturdayBears
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Lucky old June.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.