If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”