I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
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My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Geez man, take it easy.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably