When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
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Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”