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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
How did we not see this back then?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.