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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
synchronized noseblowing
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.