Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
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*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.