I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
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date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
🤭😂
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?