“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.