Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut