Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*