Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
absolute chaos
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I’ve had relationships like this
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole