Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”