her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
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Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.