If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
You Might Also Like
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Dear Lord..
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
HR said no more nunchucks.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
translated into Canadian
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!