Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Current mood: Potato
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey