Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
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her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?