I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
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Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.