They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
black phone good
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
wish me luck lads
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler