I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
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What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
*looks at you in batman voice*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Worst Native American name ever.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
This 4th of July, please remember…
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.