(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
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Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine