cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
May never get over this